"Whale Wars" gets nasty

05 Jan 2010
"Whale Wars" gets Nasty

NOTE: The Klowne of the week (KOW) will be a new segment at the Klownehaus. The Crew of Whale Wars is this weeks recipient of the Golden Kow

Saw this footage today making its round on the web. My friends and I love to watch this show just to see how much of a train wreck the crew can be.
The only way I could see a reality show being more unintentionally funny is if Vh1 accidentally switched the girls from “For the Love of Ray Jay” with the girls from Frank the Entertainers “Basement Affair”

For those uninitiated, the show follows the exploits of the Sea Sheppard’s…a group of anti- whaling activists who go out every year in an effort to deter the Japanese whaling fleet. The “crew” of this ship is made up of the same kind of people who come home from their first semester away at college with Dreadlock, a standard freshmen issue Che Guevara shirt and want to convert to Socialism and Buddhism at the same time (worked out well in Tibet, eh?). Few of then have any maritime experience; a couple had never seen a whale in the wild. But I’m sure they make up for that with their enthusiasm and good intentions.

(Am the most salty guy myself? Not exactly, but I do spend between 15-20 hours a week from May thru November tuna fishing 25 miles off shore in a 20 foot boat. Sometimes less then 10 feet from 60ft humpback whales. So, I feel like I have a pretty good idea of what I’m doing out there)

On of my favorite parts about this show, is that other than chasing the Japanese boats around and annoying them, there’s not much else they do. This particular video looks like their typical propaganda stunt. The big bad Japanese ship “rams” the helpless little Sea Sheppard boat. The Sea Sheppard clowns probably ran out in front of them and thought…hey, there’s no way their going to run me over…THIS WILL BE OUR TIENAMEN SQUARE MOMENT!!!

Unfortunately for these geniuses, they forgot to consider that ships don’t have breaks. A boat the size of the Nushi Marin probably takes like ½ a mile to come to a full stop. And it’s not likely the most nimble vessel in the world, so if couldn’t exactly “swerve” to avoid contact. That’s probably why they were blasting them with the old water cannons. To get them to move. (I do love how they keep shooting at them even after they’ve hit. That must be so much fun for the guy running the water cannon)

One thing the try to do is throw stink bombs and some sort of acid that makes the deck slippery. I guess this is to deter the Japanese from going on deck and whaling, but lets stop for a minute and consider their weapons of choice…Stink Bombs and slippery stuff…

Really? Anyone ever spend anytime at see knows that a boat can already be a pretty horrific smelling place. Add in whale (literally) tons of whale carcass and you’ve got some working conditions that aren’t probably up to OSHA standards already. There’s a great book by Nathaniel Phil brick called. Into the Heart of the Sea about the Whaling Ship Essex where he describes the smell on board a whaling ship. I wish I could find the passage, but suffice it to say a little Febreeze isn’t going to do the trick.

And as for making the deck slippery, well, it’s a whale boat - in the arctic. There’s probably quite a bit of slippery stuff on deck already in the form of ICE and, oh, I don’t know, maybe whale blood?

Anyway. I just thought I’d pass along. I don’t think whaling is a good thing, but these jokers aren’t really helping their cause with anyone other than those people who already believe in them.

So what did we learn?

--Making the deck of a fishing vessel slippery and stinky isn’t really that much of a deterrent
--Big boats can’t stop. Get out of their way
--PETA is way better at publicity stunts
--Those Japanese game shows where everyone gets jacked up are starting to make a little more sense

Cell phones, slush and annoying contractors with Nextels..

Cell phones, slush and annoying contractors with Nextels..
4 Jan 2010

Happy New Year to everyone.

Do you ever get the scary feeling when you don’t have your mobile phone? I swear, sometimes I’m on the verge of a panic attack when I don’t have mine. It’s like the world could well come to a horrific end during the next 19 minutes it takes me to run to the bank and get gas, and I would never know.

On the way home from a little post-holiday shopping for at the outlets in Maine this weekend, I realized I didn’t have my cell phone. So I turned around (I was already in NH) then drove back to the McDonalds where I found it laying in a pile of slush. Apparently LCD screens react to freezing water about the same way as Wes Welkers knee reacted to cutting on astro turf.

So I had to go a day without my phone…it was horrible.

What will happen to me if I can find out via Facebook that my sister is taking over Cuba in“mafia wars?” Or what if a Nigerian banker needs a trustworthy assistant to help him move millions of dollars? I have to know these things at all times! (Thank God, I’m not a twitter addict…how ever would I know about the darling little things my friend’s kids are doing at every minute of the day)

I guess my bigger question was, how did we survive before these things? When stuff used to be really important, we’d send it Fedex, or even “fax” it over. I remember growing up in the 80’s; my dad would make calls to our family friends (about 60 miles away) from the office after 8:00 because that’s when it was the cheapest. Maybe it’s because my family was uber cheap, but it was like he was using the red phone to call a foreign dictator. There was something dangerous about it.

Back then, if you wanted instant communication it meant only one thing. CB’s. That’s a big 10-4 good buddy. Yep, we had em in all our cars, and even the big “home base” antenna – it looked like a 50 foot tall umbrella frame on the roof of the house). We would use them whenever my dad would go away or if we were driving to the cape. I knew all the lingo…my favorite was a 10-100 (taking a dump) and even had secret channels we’d go to have “private” conversations (only anyone with an antenna could pick them up…)

Sometimes, I long for the days of codes and a little more secrecy. I guess today’s equivalent is the Nextel two way walkie-talkie phone. I think these are actually pretty good tools, but if you have one, can you explain one thing to me?

Why, oh why, do you feel the need to keep it on speaker phone and yell into it everywhere? I mean, you are allowed to pick the thing up and put it next to your ear, right? I believe the phone actually functions as a normal phone….you don’t always have to use it on speak mode.

When your on the job site, ok, it makes sense. Maybe even when you’re in home depot I can see it. But do you need to do it in front of me at Fenway? Or does everyone waiting in the bank line need to know that “…the a$$hole doing the plumbing F**ked everything up?” --- I don’t think so.

I think it would make a good Bud Light "Real men of genius commercial….”


Singer “REAL MEN OF GENIUS”

Voice Over: Bud Light salutes you, mister yelling into your next tell guy..

You provide your crew- and everyone with in a 400 foot radius – with directions of how to hang the dry wall

Singer: “Make sure you spackle the cracks!”

VO: Every time that phone beeps, you - and all of us waiting for coffee- know that Tony down at the jobsite, screwed something up again.

Singer: Keep the Backhoe off the gas lines!

Why pick up that phone, when you can just as easily yell into it and share your thoughts on the girl from last night with everyone at the DMV

Singer: I think I’ve got a cold sore…

VO: So here’s to you, oh sultan of the speaker phone

You really put the “Tell”, into Next Tel

Singer: …Mr. Screaming into your Next Tel Guy…


So, what did we learn?

-Blackberrys don’t float, nor do they do well in freezing slush
-My family was a bunch of rednecks with CB radios

-Dad misappropriated company resources to make long distance calls

-It seems that something in the genetics of super annoying guys with horrible accents and -

Winston-riddled voices precludes them from having a spec of self awareness

-If someone has a Nextel and you want to have a private conversation with them, you’re probably better off doing it on a CB

Jersey Shore.....First the Hills, then all of MTV

12/29/09 Jersey Shore takes over MTV

Ok, maybe I have a little too much free time on my hands…but here's a thoughts on the Jersey Shore

A couple of things jump to mind about the new MTV show on the Jersey shore

• It’s classic east coast. The guys (weather you like them or not) work out like fiends, they’re all pretty diesel. Meanwhile the girls all seem to think that there’s nothing wrong with them that a little spray tan and a wonder bra can’t fix. Typical. These girls couldn’t get a job waiting tables at Waffle house in Cali. Can you imagine how ridiculed “snookie” would be if she were on the Hills? She’d be the reality show equivalent of the “fat chic” from Wilson Phillips.

• And speaking of the Hills, how long do you think any one of those people would last in the jersey shore house? Kristin is supposed to be “the bitch” --- can you imagine if she tried any shit with J –Wow?

It would look like Kimbo slice vs. Dustin Diamond. Not pretty.

And what about the “bad-boys”—how about Spencer or Justin Bobby trying to pull some attitude shit with the Jersey Boys? Don’t see that working out too well either.

• Break out star of the show has to be “The Situation”…if he doesn’t get his own show…or at least be on VH1 dating show (“STICKY SITUATION”) I will be severely disappointed. And if you’re his agent and you don’t already have him producing an Abs workout DVD, you need to be fired. I didn’t see it a Christmas, but if he doesn’t come out with “The Spring Break Situation: Get beach ready abs in 15 minutes a day” in early February, something is way wrong.

• Finally, I beg you MTV. Please include the Jersey Shore cast in future “Gauntlet” Real World/Road Rules Challenges. This has to happen. If they thought they had found the ultimate in sociopaths with the current crew, this could push them into reality TV nirvanah.

Tiger's PR Fix...

This is a little late in coming, I wrote it a few weeks back, but just getting around to posting it.


Tigers PR Strategy.

We in the US want to bury our celebrities when the screw up. Why? Because it makes them seem “more like us” (my favorite segment of US weekly…)

But just as quickly as we want to bury them, we also want to forgive them? Why you ask? Because we all have dark secrets and would want the same thing (Stars: Their Just like us! … They have mistresses and use drugs!)

So, I’m not saying this is right, but it truly is a pretty simple story to fix his image.

The Pitch:
It goes something like this…After his knee surgery; Tiger became dependant (not “addicted”) to pain killers to get around. The death of his father already had sent him into a tailspin as he lost his “moral rudder.”

While his wife and family were still the most important thing in his life, he was on the road constantly trying to provide for them as he knew his father would have wanted and he began to dabble more in the partying lifestyle that is afforded a celebrity as a way to make he feel “whole”. The once he started to combine the painkillers with the alcohol, he began to spiral out of control. But he had this image to keep up for both his dad and his family, that’s why all the secrecy. But the stress of that only worsened the problems and he began to have trouble sleeping (thus the Ambien)

The potent combination of these three things (Ambien, Vicodin, Booze) opened up the addictive side of tiger. This is not uncommon for people who are as intense as tiger. The same fire that drives you to be the best golfer will drive you to drink the most, drug the most, and even screw the most. You need it all and you need it now.

The Fix:

You need to take the time away from golf. Get your life straight. Got to rehab. See Dr. Drew, or go to Promises. You need to lay low and let the news cycle do its thing.

But before you go you have to admit publically you’re an addict -- to booze, to pills, to sex, to golf…to everything. Bundle it together, and from now on, you can just say “I'm an addict and working on my recovery” and it covers all your sins. Let people know that even the perfection that they expect is whats driving this… That’s what its like to be Tiger Woods. A constant struggle…

Do it on Larry King. He's somewhat respectable, won’t drill you, and plays to the core ‘golf’ audience (old white people)

Next, when you come out of rehab. You need to do Oprah. No one else can get women back on your side. She’s the only person. If she’s retired, offer to do a primetime special with her. Cry. Cry a little. Don’t break down and don’t go Tom Cruise. But admit it hurts and that you see you’ve hurt other people, especially your wife and children. With Oprah by your side you’re 90% of the way back.

Finally, golf your ass off. Can you imagine the back nine on Augusta or Torrey Pines as you come back and tear up the course? The crowd is going nuts. CBS loves it because they are getting ridiculous ratings. It’s the classic comeback story we all love. Then watch the sponsors all line up again.

Kate moss got caught doing blow (SHOCKER! A model doing Cocaine) and lost all her sponsors. For like a month. They all came back. Why? Because she’s the best at what she does.

Follow my advice Tiger, and you’ll appear just fine.

Welcome to the Klownehaus!

Welcome to the Klownehaus!

Lots of stuff running through my head and needed a place to put it.

He'res as good as any. We dont take it too seriously, you shouldnt either.